Remembering the past, dreaming of a brighter future

     I know that some day I'm going to want you to read this so that I can share pieces of me with you that I don't share with anyone else, including kelly. It's not really a secret that I write here, more just that it's not something I choose to let anyone else read...because it's for me, And someday it'll be for you too.

     So, with that said, this is going to be pretty erm...odd. I would appreciate it if you could NOT freak out  because hopefully I've decided to show you this before we're married so that if you're going to freak out and run away, we don't have some fucking legal bond to each other on top off everything else. But just in case I'm showing this to you AFTER we're married... I want you to know that last night was one of the biggest reasons that I was able to truly let you love me enough and let myself love you enough to have married you.

      Last night, while I was sleeping at Mr. Budney's I had a dream, about Jude. In my dream it was some time in the future, because I looked older and so did everyone else. We (my parents, you, whitney and kelly) had all taken a trip up to Salem, MA to check out the halloween scene in October and just to have a fun day visiting the sights and allowing me to show you my first college.
     While we were walking around downtown (it's all cobblestone in the main shopping area downtown), I had this sort of chill and I looked up at the witch statue. (it's my favorite statue, because it's of this witch riding her broomstick cross a crescent moon) When I looked up at the statue, I saw jude with a woman around my age at the time (dunno how old I was). And we sort of did this thing, where we (inwardly) freaked out and then walked towards each other. (This is where things start to time travel and it gets kind of dream jumbled) So I don't know where you were at the time anymore, or quite frankly anyone else, but jude and I started talking and i ended up going shopping with him and the other woman he was with, and while we were walking around the stores, Jude kept pointing out all of these things that when I was with him, I used to like. Like a pocket knife and this ugly hat and stuff, but everytime he said "oh I bet you would love this!", I just shook my head and said, "no, actually I haven't like that stuff since I was dating you" and it started to get kind of funny (at least to me), because throughout this shopping thing, I was realizing how different I had become from the person I had been with him.
     Anyways, so when I go to buy these really cute red and pink skirts, jude sort of looks at me like I have three heads and it's sort of clear at that point to both of us, that I've done a lot of growing and so has he, but just in completely different directions, but it's not a bad thing. We sort of just smile at each other knowingly and then he asks me if I want to grab a coffee, and I tell him that I still don;t drink coffee. We both sort of laugh at that fact since it's something we apparently both still don't like. And then things get weird because the woman he's with sort of pulls him aside, but I can hear as she says that she's getting kind of uncomfortable with this situation and she would really like to leave now. So, jude comes back to me and tells me that the woman and he are going to get going and it was really nice to see me and we should get together some time. And as he and I and the other woman are walking out the last shop (it's a house type so we apparently had to walk up some stairs) Whitney and Kelly and you are all sitting on the steps eating some kind of candy. Everyone says hello and then Jude and I say goodbye and so does the woman. and they begin to walk away.
      As they're walking away it's sort of weird because Jude keeps looking back at me like he wants to tell me something..and his face keeps going in and out of the crowd of people, but they get to a street and walk across it and jude turns to the woman and says something to her, and then runs back to me. And it's weird because as he's running back to me he has this huge smile on his face and he runs up the stairs and holding his hand is this little girl. When I look down at the little girl, I realize I never noticed her before but she must have been with him the entire time, because she's literally his spitting image. It takes me a few minutes of staring at her till I realize and he finally says, " I wanted you to meet my daughter". And in that moment I begin to cry. Not sad tears, but tears of joy and I kiss the little girl on the cheek and jude and I hug each other and we're both crying because we both realize that we're both immeasurably happy in our separate lives and that although we had loved each other some time in the past, that that love truly was in the past and we were happy for one another. He also told me the other woman was his wife and I told him you and I were engaged, because when I looked down at my hand there was a ring and I looked right at you when I told Jude. When we had finished hugging and crying we both smiled and said goodbye and jude left and met his wife with his daughter and they walked away. her turned back once to throw a smile my way and I smiled back and that was it. As we (the first set of people) were all leaving Salem to go home, we passed some signs that looked like shop signs but had some message on them and they said "The girl I once knew...and the man I loved....I loved him clean".
         I have no idea what this means, but when I woke up my face was completely dry. I hadn't actually cried in my sleep, and I think it was because before this dream I have always thought about meeting up with Jude, or going to see him, so say...well I don't really know what I would say. I think I would've just liked to see if he is happy, as happy as I am with you. But now, after this dream...I feel like I have my answer, or at least the only answer that I really want to have. And I'm happy and I feel whole...like pieces of me that I have always thought were missing are back to being mine.

Anyways, I hope you understand this, because I wanted to share it with you so you would know that I never saw Jude again; that I don't have this unexplained urge to make sure that the only person who has ever hurt me so deeply, is happy. I want you to know that I as a whole person, not a broken one, love you with my WHOLE heart and every piece of it is yours and mine to keep and share between us. You make me happier than I've ever been in my life, and for that you get my love, respect, honor and trust.

Dauoalogn - Sigur Ros (Valtari)

                 This is often a regular occurrence for me and I can never seem to place my finger on exactly why it is only rainy days, but they always make me cry. Perhaps it is the music I tend to surround my senses with on days like today. It's the end of July and I am overwhelmed with unexplainable passion and thusly it finds regular passage out of me through the tear ducts. I have never cried as much as I do with michael except in the year that I suffered from traumatic depression while living with an ex. In that time I was struggling with the necessary yet difficult severing of every attached string between the two of us.

                Now though, I cry because I am happy and sad and so very much in love that it scares me. It has made a bed in such a deep part of my soul, I can feel it expelling electric pulse through my entire being. But this rainy day does not belong to that piece. Today, the rain belongs to someone and something else entirely.

                 I am unaware if the unnatural pieces, the pieces that are jagged and sharp have been worn down by you or by me. And that is an oddity because you are not who I thought would erode them to a glassy and water beaten brilliance. If it was by you, which I am unsure of and perhaps part of me will always be comforted and torn by that obliviousness, then I feel forever like you have both given and taken a piece of me. I want you to have it though, because what you have given me, the love and caring and compassion you have shown to me, I have so far found immeasurable. It is not a wanting love we have but more of a communal love in which one can give and receive as necessary, without worry that it will ever deplete or overfill.

                Thusly, I want to share this rainy day with you. I cannot, as you are miles away doing and thinking something which I am sure exceeds the imagination. But I want you to know you have touched me, touched my soul, in a way that would never have been possible were I to never have known you.
               Thank you friend.

May being both internal and external be ever blessed by the natural beauty of the unknown chance.

Forever and Always,
Lindsay Rose

All the time it takes to wait

You and your whiskey

Me and my heart undone

You say that you miss me

I wanna hear that from the sober one

I know you get lonely

I get lonely too

You’ve got this sadness

You’ve been holding onto

All the time it takes to wait

All the time

I get so tired

Of trying to save you

Your love wrapped with barbed wire

Buried in all you’ve been through

But you’ve got

You and your whiskey

The captain and his first mate

You say that you’re sorry

Oh the time it takes to wait

This Light

You in this light

I give up my fight

In the deepest of the night

I give up my fight

I wanted to say

That though time gets in the way

I want you to stay

I want to stay

Here in this dark

We have made a spark

It has made a mark

Oh my heart

You make me strong in ways that aren't possible with out you. You make me happier than I've ever felt before. But most of all you make me feel a love like no other love I have ever felt before. A love that makes my whole being shiver in ready explosions of the pure enjoyment of us. I love you.

The simplicity of happiness

24 in a little less than two months. Graduation in one year with my undergraduate degree. In social work. I think I’m pretty social and I know I know what I learned but how I transfer it to the humanity of the world I’m not sure. I manage okay with the overwhelming desire to travel , to get bigger than I am here, to reach more souls and lives than I can touch here. How can I expect myself to manage that from a single state in the United States? United….what does that even mean anymore?

Man, this is hard, Perhaps one of the most difficult decision I’ll ever make in my life. Maybe. Love or peace? I mean how are you supposed to choose? Can you have both? What happens if you have too much love for peace? So many questions and the only way to answer them is to find out.

Social work has helped me to accept some more of the reality that I have control over me and nothing else. Accepting that the world is too big for you to take on alone…that was a long learning process. Some days it still feels like it still is. Overwhelming, you know?

I’ve done this before. Had stress and worry about the future. This idea that I want to do everything, experience everything fresh and new and help everyone, everywhere. Does everyone feel this way or just me? It can’t really be just me. It’s weird I feel like young adults today get so wrapped up in the way that they think things are “supposed” to be that they forget how to just be. Sometimes I get that way, but mostly I just want to help.

Help what…I’m not really sure. People, the environment, nations, the world. I just want us to make it till we’re 102 too like Mr. Budney. I know we die, I’m cool with dying someday, even tonight would be alright I suppose. I’d like to see my mom, but I’ve covered pretty much everyone else just today. (okay, just to clarify THIS IS NOT A SUCICE NOTE) But man, how many people can say they’d be okay dying today? No regrets? That they told everyone that they loved they did and they got to see them? Not everyone.

I read this story…it was about a girl who was asked what she wanted to be when she grew up. She answered “happy”. The adult told her she didn’t understand the question. She told him he didn’t understand LIFE.

I want to be happy, but not a selfish happy, a selfless, simple happy, where the happiness you have is from knowing that you have touched someone else’s life in a way that makes them happy, and in turn you are happy.

23. 24 in less than two months, and I have to say: I’m pretty damn happy.

Always Learning

Today is the first day of 2013 that actually feels like spring. It's 11 am and already 60 Degrees. My first class was cancelled so I'm sitting outside enjoying the sun as it glitters off my pale winter limbs and I'm missing you. You're at school teaching some chemistry or physics class, manipulating the magics only found in the classrooms of those intrigued with human potions and cures. I love the way you hate your school aloud but secretly love going every day because you know you have the ability to change their lives in only a way that you can. The way you changed mine, though our way is different.

I like that we trade off saving one another from our real world disasters, and that we allow ourselves to be saved. You taught me how to do that; to stop trying to always save myself and sometimes allow someone wonderful to sweep in and save you. You worked your magic on me, but your magic is real. It's not like the kind of magic I love to envelope my imagination in while reading or watching mystical shows only illuminated by ratings and monetary values. Your magic was kindness, passion and trust. Things I knew but had somewhat lost hope in.

But on days like today, Mondays, where I awake first to the shrill scream of your 6am alarm and then again after a drifting slumber to the sweet nectar of your kiss, I can't help but be thankful that the sun rose this morning and my first class was cancelled so I can write this to you and enjoy the way my skin laps up the gentle touch that the sun allows.

You and the sun make me happy. More than happy; loved, cherished and most of all tender.

xoxo

Lindsay