I know that some day I'm going to want you to read this so that I can share pieces of me with you that I don't share with anyone else, including kelly. It's not really a secret that I write here, more just that it's not something I choose to let anyone else read...because it's for me, And someday it'll be for you too.
So, with that said, this is going to be pretty erm...odd. I would appreciate it if you could NOT freak out because hopefully I've decided to show you this before we're married so that if you're going to freak out and run away, we don't have some fucking legal bond to each other on top off everything else. But just in case I'm showing this to you AFTER we're married... I want you to know that last night was one of the biggest reasons that I was able to truly let you love me enough and let myself love you enough to have married you.
Last night, while I was sleeping at Mr. Budney's I had a dream, about Jude. In my dream it was some time in the future, because I looked older and so did everyone else. We (my parents, you, whitney and kelly) had all taken a trip up to Salem, MA to check out the halloween scene in October and just to have a fun day visiting the sights and allowing me to show you my first college.
While we were walking around downtown (it's all cobblestone in the main shopping area downtown), I had this sort of chill and I looked up at the witch statue. (it's my favorite statue, because it's of this witch riding her broomstick cross a crescent moon) When I looked up at the statue, I saw jude with a woman around my age at the time (dunno how old I was). And we sort of did this thing, where we (inwardly) freaked out and then walked towards each other. (This is where things start to time travel and it gets kind of dream jumbled) So I don't know where you were at the time anymore, or quite frankly anyone else, but jude and I started talking and i ended up going shopping with him and the other woman he was with, and while we were walking around the stores, Jude kept pointing out all of these things that when I was with him, I used to like. Like a pocket knife and this ugly hat and stuff, but everytime he said "oh I bet you would love this!", I just shook my head and said, "no, actually I haven't like that stuff since I was dating you" and it started to get kind of funny (at least to me), because throughout this shopping thing, I was realizing how different I had become from the person I had been with him.
Anyways, so when I go to buy these really cute red and pink skirts, jude sort of looks at me like I have three heads and it's sort of clear at that point to both of us, that I've done a lot of growing and so has he, but just in completely different directions, but it's not a bad thing. We sort of just smile at each other knowingly and then he asks me if I want to grab a coffee, and I tell him that I still don;t drink coffee. We both sort of laugh at that fact since it's something we apparently both still don't like. And then things get weird because the woman he's with sort of pulls him aside, but I can hear as she says that she's getting kind of uncomfortable with this situation and she would really like to leave now. So, jude comes back to me and tells me that the woman and he are going to get going and it was really nice to see me and we should get together some time. And as he and I and the other woman are walking out the last shop (it's a house type so we apparently had to walk up some stairs) Whitney and Kelly and you are all sitting on the steps eating some kind of candy. Everyone says hello and then Jude and I say goodbye and so does the woman. and they begin to walk away.
As they're walking away it's sort of weird because Jude keeps looking back at me like he wants to tell me something..and his face keeps going in and out of the crowd of people, but they get to a street and walk across it and jude turns to the woman and says something to her, and then runs back to me. And it's weird because as he's running back to me he has this huge smile on his face and he runs up the stairs and holding his hand is this little girl. When I look down at the little girl, I realize I never noticed her before but she must have been with him the entire time, because she's literally his spitting image. It takes me a few minutes of staring at her till I realize and he finally says, " I wanted you to meet my daughter". And in that moment I begin to cry. Not sad tears, but tears of joy and I kiss the little girl on the cheek and jude and I hug each other and we're both crying because we both realize that we're both immeasurably happy in our separate lives and that although we had loved each other some time in the past, that that love truly was in the past and we were happy for one another. He also told me the other woman was his wife and I told him you and I were engaged, because when I looked down at my hand there was a ring and I looked right at you when I told Jude. When we had finished hugging and crying we both smiled and said goodbye and jude left and met his wife with his daughter and they walked away. her turned back once to throw a smile my way and I smiled back and that was it. As we (the first set of people) were all leaving Salem to go home, we passed some signs that looked like shop signs but had some message on them and they said "The girl I once knew...and the man I loved....I loved him clean".
I have no idea what this means, but when I woke up my face was completely dry. I hadn't actually cried in my sleep, and I think it was because before this dream I have always thought about meeting up with Jude, or going to see him, so say...well I don't really know what I would say. I think I would've just liked to see if he is happy, as happy as I am with you. But now, after this dream...I feel like I have my answer, or at least the only answer that I really want to have. And I'm happy and I feel whole...like pieces of me that I have always thought were missing are back to being mine.
Anyways, I hope you understand this, because I wanted to share it with you so you would know that I never saw Jude again; that I don't have this unexplained urge to make sure that the only person who has ever hurt me so deeply, is happy. I want you to know that I as a whole person, not a broken one, love you with my WHOLE heart and every piece of it is yours and mine to keep and share between us. You make me happier than I've ever been in my life, and for that you get my love, respect, honor and trust.
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