Losing you

I feel like I'm losing you, Like you've stepped out of this place in my heart, turned your back and are in the process of taking your first steps away from me, from us. Where are you going? What happened to who we used to be? All of the happiness and joy... Did we make a mistake that we both missed? Can you make a mistake so big it can't be fixed?

I feel so alone, You feel so alone. How are we both so alone and yet, we live in closer proximity than ever before, I'm afraid...I'm afraid by forcing us to be together, we've only forced ourselfes to some realization that we're not meant to be together. Not meant to share this space forever.

You know that saying..."sometimes people walk into your life and leave footprints of their existnce but others walk into your life, build a home and change it, alter it in ways that you could have never imagined possible otherwise"? What if we're only meant to leave footprints and not build a home? What if we made a mistake? How can we fix it... can we fix it, or is it irreperable damage at this point? Have we burned down our home, the home I thought we were building?

Where are you going? and why won't you talk to me about it?

Somedays you're just so far away...I don't know if you'll ever come back.

I love you...Please come back. I'm not ready for this to be over.

love,
lindsay

Date Night

Tonight, we went out on a "date". I wouldn't really call it you taking me out on a date being that I drove myself, paid for myself, paid for our drinks and then paid my own way out of the pared to parking garage that I was forced to park in because there is no where else free. So let's not call it a "date" night.

To be honest though, I had a really good time. Before tonight I had never been to the science museum and I have to admit it was pretty fun. I also had a really good time with Emily and Ilija.

SO WHY did you just gaslight me? Why did you make me feel like a small child who needed to be reprimanded because not only did I hear the place name incorrectly, but you also refused to give me directions AND then when I explain my mistake and the fact that I'm  really just tired and hungry and frustrated and I'm just going to go home, YOU tell me that  I'm out of control and you're going to walk to wait for me to calm down before                                                                        you talk to me. THAT I am EMBARRASSING YOU in front of                                                                  your friends.

WELL FUCK YOU. For once I'd like you to just empathize with the fact that I have been MOVING us into the new apartment for the last three days BY MYSELF and that I just took a  4 and a half hour test TODAY, I have work tomorrow too, it's 11 o'clock already, and YOU'RE not even planning to HELP me move AT ALL this weekend because "you have so much work to do". I swear to god, if that is what I have to look forward to, you telling me you cant do things because it's just too stressful, or that you're job is more important than whatever WE need to get done....well then you can just fucking have it. You can have it ALL, because I sure as fuck don't want any part of it.

WHY is is always ME embarrassing you? Why am I always being told to stop acting a certain way? God is it your friends can't accept that I am a human being with emotions and frustrations and sometimes the need to just yell because I'm just so tired of always being in the wrong? Or is it you that just can't accept that our about me? Because I shouldn't have to hold in my feelings. I am allowed to have feelings and to be and act a certain way. Those are my basic human rights, and I'm sorry for you if you can't understand that or that your friends won't accept me if I have emotions. I can't be as perfect as your fucking robots.

I don't want this. I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel like a child if I have an emotional reaction to something. I don't want to feel like I'm doing something wrong by being tired and hungry and frustrated because I explain those things and you don't understand because you didn't actually LISTEN to what I was saying. Because all you were paying attention to was how whatever I was saying, no matter what it was, might make you look in front of your friends. I DON'T WANT THIS. I feel angry and hurt and frustrated and cornered and ashamed and belittled, but mostly I feel like all I do is embarrass you and I'm not interested in being with someone who thinks of me as this burden and embarrassment.

WHy do you always chose to hurt me first rather than help me?

Somedays, I still have to remember to breathe

All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
'Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die a happy man I'm sure

When you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside
I lay in tears in bed all night
Alone without you by my side

But If you loved me
Why'd you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I'll find somebody like you.

Oooohhhh ohhh

So you brought out the best of me,
A part of me I'd never seen.
You took my soul and wiped it clean.
Our love was made for movie screens.
But If you loved me
Why'd you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I'll find somebody like you.


It's still strange the way you can live in your memories; escaping the world whirling around you and falling into step with some, time. Sometime in your past. We grow so much and we try to leave the past behind and walk forward but sometimes... sometimes you get pulled back in unexpected ways. As if someone is holding your hand and leading you backwards through experiences you've already lived through, already endured. I did find someone like who I once loved. Not in all the same ways, not in the damaging ways. 

I did good finding you. Letting myself be open to you and letting myself be loved and adored by you. Sometimes I forget that I did that and I want to fight, no claw my way back to the girl I was before I met you. The girl who endured and scrapped by and cried herself to sleep at night knowing that there were pieces of herself that would never be returned even if she became whole again. Understanding that those replacement pieces would be foreign and eventually rejected.

 But I'm not fighting this good that I have because I don't appreciate it. I'm fighting because some nights I go to bed not knowing who I am, like I'm still looking for those pieces. I am trying so hard for you, because I love you so much and I want to be able to give all of myself to you. And a part of me hates that I'm not sure if that will ever be possible. I just need you to know that I'm still fighting for us, even on the nights when it seems like I've given up. Because I haven't. 

You are my inland and ocean sky sweet boy

If you feel scared of the dark
I'll catch you a shooting star
If you're scared of the noise
Just listen to the sound of my voice

Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh
Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh

If you're feeling a little cold

I've got some ones you can hold
If you're feeling a little shy
I'll be right there by your side

Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh
Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh

Lift your hands, Lift your heart
And don't forget who you are
No, don't forget no

Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh
Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh

 Inland Sky - Who You Are Lyrics

Their album isn't even out yet, but this song makes me think of you.

Remembering the past, dreaming of a brighter future

     I know that some day I'm going to want you to read this so that I can share pieces of me with you that I don't share with anyone else, including kelly. It's not really a secret that I write here, more just that it's not something I choose to let anyone else read...because it's for me, And someday it'll be for you too.

     So, with that said, this is going to be pretty erm...odd. I would appreciate it if you could NOT freak out  because hopefully I've decided to show you this before we're married so that if you're going to freak out and run away, we don't have some fucking legal bond to each other on top off everything else. But just in case I'm showing this to you AFTER we're married... I want you to know that last night was one of the biggest reasons that I was able to truly let you love me enough and let myself love you enough to have married you.

      Last night, while I was sleeping at Mr. Budney's I had a dream, about Jude. In my dream it was some time in the future, because I looked older and so did everyone else. We (my parents, you, whitney and kelly) had all taken a trip up to Salem, MA to check out the halloween scene in October and just to have a fun day visiting the sights and allowing me to show you my first college.
     While we were walking around downtown (it's all cobblestone in the main shopping area downtown), I had this sort of chill and I looked up at the witch statue. (it's my favorite statue, because it's of this witch riding her broomstick cross a crescent moon) When I looked up at the statue, I saw jude with a woman around my age at the time (dunno how old I was). And we sort of did this thing, where we (inwardly) freaked out and then walked towards each other. (This is where things start to time travel and it gets kind of dream jumbled) So I don't know where you were at the time anymore, or quite frankly anyone else, but jude and I started talking and i ended up going shopping with him and the other woman he was with, and while we were walking around the stores, Jude kept pointing out all of these things that when I was with him, I used to like. Like a pocket knife and this ugly hat and stuff, but everytime he said "oh I bet you would love this!", I just shook my head and said, "no, actually I haven't like that stuff since I was dating you" and it started to get kind of funny (at least to me), because throughout this shopping thing, I was realizing how different I had become from the person I had been with him.
     Anyways, so when I go to buy these really cute red and pink skirts, jude sort of looks at me like I have three heads and it's sort of clear at that point to both of us, that I've done a lot of growing and so has he, but just in completely different directions, but it's not a bad thing. We sort of just smile at each other knowingly and then he asks me if I want to grab a coffee, and I tell him that I still don;t drink coffee. We both sort of laugh at that fact since it's something we apparently both still don't like. And then things get weird because the woman he's with sort of pulls him aside, but I can hear as she says that she's getting kind of uncomfortable with this situation and she would really like to leave now. So, jude comes back to me and tells me that the woman and he are going to get going and it was really nice to see me and we should get together some time. And as he and I and the other woman are walking out the last shop (it's a house type so we apparently had to walk up some stairs) Whitney and Kelly and you are all sitting on the steps eating some kind of candy. Everyone says hello and then Jude and I say goodbye and so does the woman. and they begin to walk away.
      As they're walking away it's sort of weird because Jude keeps looking back at me like he wants to tell me something..and his face keeps going in and out of the crowd of people, but they get to a street and walk across it and jude turns to the woman and says something to her, and then runs back to me. And it's weird because as he's running back to me he has this huge smile on his face and he runs up the stairs and holding his hand is this little girl. When I look down at the little girl, I realize I never noticed her before but she must have been with him the entire time, because she's literally his spitting image. It takes me a few minutes of staring at her till I realize and he finally says, " I wanted you to meet my daughter". And in that moment I begin to cry. Not sad tears, but tears of joy and I kiss the little girl on the cheek and jude and I hug each other and we're both crying because we both realize that we're both immeasurably happy in our separate lives and that although we had loved each other some time in the past, that that love truly was in the past and we were happy for one another. He also told me the other woman was his wife and I told him you and I were engaged, because when I looked down at my hand there was a ring and I looked right at you when I told Jude. When we had finished hugging and crying we both smiled and said goodbye and jude left and met his wife with his daughter and they walked away. her turned back once to throw a smile my way and I smiled back and that was it. As we (the first set of people) were all leaving Salem to go home, we passed some signs that looked like shop signs but had some message on them and they said "The girl I once knew...and the man I loved....I loved him clean".
         I have no idea what this means, but when I woke up my face was completely dry. I hadn't actually cried in my sleep, and I think it was because before this dream I have always thought about meeting up with Jude, or going to see him, so say...well I don't really know what I would say. I think I would've just liked to see if he is happy, as happy as I am with you. But now, after this dream...I feel like I have my answer, or at least the only answer that I really want to have. And I'm happy and I feel whole...like pieces of me that I have always thought were missing are back to being mine.

Anyways, I hope you understand this, because I wanted to share it with you so you would know that I never saw Jude again; that I don't have this unexplained urge to make sure that the only person who has ever hurt me so deeply, is happy. I want you to know that I as a whole person, not a broken one, love you with my WHOLE heart and every piece of it is yours and mine to keep and share between us. You make me happier than I've ever been in my life, and for that you get my love, respect, honor and trust.

Dauoalogn - Sigur Ros (Valtari)

                 This is often a regular occurrence for me and I can never seem to place my finger on exactly why it is only rainy days, but they always make me cry. Perhaps it is the music I tend to surround my senses with on days like today. It's the end of July and I am overwhelmed with unexplainable passion and thusly it finds regular passage out of me through the tear ducts. I have never cried as much as I do with michael except in the year that I suffered from traumatic depression while living with an ex. In that time I was struggling with the necessary yet difficult severing of every attached string between the two of us.

                Now though, I cry because I am happy and sad and so very much in love that it scares me. It has made a bed in such a deep part of my soul, I can feel it expelling electric pulse through my entire being. But this rainy day does not belong to that piece. Today, the rain belongs to someone and something else entirely.

                 I am unaware if the unnatural pieces, the pieces that are jagged and sharp have been worn down by you or by me. And that is an oddity because you are not who I thought would erode them to a glassy and water beaten brilliance. If it was by you, which I am unsure of and perhaps part of me will always be comforted and torn by that obliviousness, then I feel forever like you have both given and taken a piece of me. I want you to have it though, because what you have given me, the love and caring and compassion you have shown to me, I have so far found immeasurable. It is not a wanting love we have but more of a communal love in which one can give and receive as necessary, without worry that it will ever deplete or overfill.

                Thusly, I want to share this rainy day with you. I cannot, as you are miles away doing and thinking something which I am sure exceeds the imagination. But I want you to know you have touched me, touched my soul, in a way that would never have been possible were I to never have known you.
               Thank you friend.

May being both internal and external be ever blessed by the natural beauty of the unknown chance.

Forever and Always,
Lindsay Rose

All the time it takes to wait

You and your whiskey

Me and my heart undone

You say that you miss me

I wanna hear that from the sober one

I know you get lonely

I get lonely too

You’ve got this sadness

You’ve been holding onto

All the time it takes to wait

All the time

I get so tired

Of trying to save you

Your love wrapped with barbed wire

Buried in all you’ve been through

But you’ve got

You and your whiskey

The captain and his first mate

You say that you’re sorry

Oh the time it takes to wait