Losing you

I feel like I'm losing you, Like you've stepped out of this place in my heart, turned your back and are in the process of taking your first steps away from me, from us. Where are you going? What happened to who we used to be? All of the happiness and joy... Did we make a mistake that we both missed? Can you make a mistake so big it can't be fixed?

I feel so alone, You feel so alone. How are we both so alone and yet, we live in closer proximity than ever before, I'm afraid...I'm afraid by forcing us to be together, we've only forced ourselfes to some realization that we're not meant to be together. Not meant to share this space forever.

You know that saying..."sometimes people walk into your life and leave footprints of their existnce but others walk into your life, build a home and change it, alter it in ways that you could have never imagined possible otherwise"? What if we're only meant to leave footprints and not build a home? What if we made a mistake? How can we fix it... can we fix it, or is it irreperable damage at this point? Have we burned down our home, the home I thought we were building?

Where are you going? and why won't you talk to me about it?

Somedays you're just so far away...I don't know if you'll ever come back.

I love you...Please come back. I'm not ready for this to be over.

love,
lindsay

Date Night

Tonight, we went out on a "date". I wouldn't really call it you taking me out on a date being that I drove myself, paid for myself, paid for our drinks and then paid my own way out of the pared to parking garage that I was forced to park in because there is no where else free. So let's not call it a "date" night.

To be honest though, I had a really good time. Before tonight I had never been to the science museum and I have to admit it was pretty fun. I also had a really good time with Emily and Ilija.

SO WHY did you just gaslight me? Why did you make me feel like a small child who needed to be reprimanded because not only did I hear the place name incorrectly, but you also refused to give me directions AND then when I explain my mistake and the fact that I'm  really just tired and hungry and frustrated and I'm just going to go home, YOU tell me that  I'm out of control and you're going to walk to wait for me to calm down before                                                                        you talk to me. THAT I am EMBARRASSING YOU in front of                                                                  your friends.

WELL FUCK YOU. For once I'd like you to just empathize with the fact that I have been MOVING us into the new apartment for the last three days BY MYSELF and that I just took a  4 and a half hour test TODAY, I have work tomorrow too, it's 11 o'clock already, and YOU'RE not even planning to HELP me move AT ALL this weekend because "you have so much work to do". I swear to god, if that is what I have to look forward to, you telling me you cant do things because it's just too stressful, or that you're job is more important than whatever WE need to get done....well then you can just fucking have it. You can have it ALL, because I sure as fuck don't want any part of it.

WHY is is always ME embarrassing you? Why am I always being told to stop acting a certain way? God is it your friends can't accept that I am a human being with emotions and frustrations and sometimes the need to just yell because I'm just so tired of always being in the wrong? Or is it you that just can't accept that our about me? Because I shouldn't have to hold in my feelings. I am allowed to have feelings and to be and act a certain way. Those are my basic human rights, and I'm sorry for you if you can't understand that or that your friends won't accept me if I have emotions. I can't be as perfect as your fucking robots.

I don't want this. I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel like a child if I have an emotional reaction to something. I don't want to feel like I'm doing something wrong by being tired and hungry and frustrated because I explain those things and you don't understand because you didn't actually LISTEN to what I was saying. Because all you were paying attention to was how whatever I was saying, no matter what it was, might make you look in front of your friends. I DON'T WANT THIS. I feel angry and hurt and frustrated and cornered and ashamed and belittled, but mostly I feel like all I do is embarrass you and I'm not interested in being with someone who thinks of me as this burden and embarrassment.

WHy do you always chose to hurt me first rather than help me?

Somedays, I still have to remember to breathe

All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
'Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die a happy man I'm sure

When you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside
I lay in tears in bed all night
Alone without you by my side

But If you loved me
Why'd you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I'll find somebody like you.

Oooohhhh ohhh

So you brought out the best of me,
A part of me I'd never seen.
You took my soul and wiped it clean.
Our love was made for movie screens.
But If you loved me
Why'd you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I'll find somebody like you.


It's still strange the way you can live in your memories; escaping the world whirling around you and falling into step with some, time. Sometime in your past. We grow so much and we try to leave the past behind and walk forward but sometimes... sometimes you get pulled back in unexpected ways. As if someone is holding your hand and leading you backwards through experiences you've already lived through, already endured. I did find someone like who I once loved. Not in all the same ways, not in the damaging ways. 

I did good finding you. Letting myself be open to you and letting myself be loved and adored by you. Sometimes I forget that I did that and I want to fight, no claw my way back to the girl I was before I met you. The girl who endured and scrapped by and cried herself to sleep at night knowing that there were pieces of herself that would never be returned even if she became whole again. Understanding that those replacement pieces would be foreign and eventually rejected.

 But I'm not fighting this good that I have because I don't appreciate it. I'm fighting because some nights I go to bed not knowing who I am, like I'm still looking for those pieces. I am trying so hard for you, because I love you so much and I want to be able to give all of myself to you. And a part of me hates that I'm not sure if that will ever be possible. I just need you to know that I'm still fighting for us, even on the nights when it seems like I've given up. Because I haven't. 

You are my inland and ocean sky sweet boy

If you feel scared of the dark
I'll catch you a shooting star
If you're scared of the noise
Just listen to the sound of my voice

Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh
Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh

If you're feeling a little cold

I've got some ones you can hold
If you're feeling a little shy
I'll be right there by your side

Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh
Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh

Lift your hands, Lift your heart
And don't forget who you are
No, don't forget no

Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh
Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh

 Inland Sky - Who You Are Lyrics

Their album isn't even out yet, but this song makes me think of you.